making mistakes
From Lex, the queer classifieds app, comes the question…
Dear OP, I want to say that I’m sorry. It sucks to mess up. It sucks to know how you want to move through the world and to recognize that you’re not in alignment with that.
I also want to congratulate you on your bravery and integrity. It’s a bold soul that’s willing to stay in contact with reality, to acknowledge that things happened, and to be with the consequences of that. All of this is fuel for growth, and that you’re even here asking this question is a sign that things will continue to shift.
six tips for when you’ve rly donked it up
Compassion. Regardless of the quality of your actions, there's something immensely powerful about always being on your own side. That even if you fuck up, you'll still be there for yourself. That even at your worst, you still deserve and offer loving kindness. Place a hand on your heart and a hand on your belly, close your eyes, and take five long and slow breaths. On the inhale, silently say to yourself, “I am here.” On the exhale, “and I am loving you.” If those words don’t work, feel free to mix it up and see what does feel right.
Safety and Security. There is probably some flinch or pain around what happened. Let yourself pause and bring attention to those spots, feeling what's here. While doing so, let yourself rest into the support of what’s beneath you. Remember there is ground and sun and air. You’ll be able to fix this or you won’t. No matter how much you’ve fucked it up, that doesn’t change your birthright as a living being. You continue to deserve beauty and love. You are and will be okay, in a fundamental way, even in the spots of not-okay.
Neutrality. We all make mistakes. What's done is done, and what's true is already so. And reality is complex and nuanced in its truth. Allow each piece to be exactly as it is. So in this scenario, there's what concretely occurred, there's your reactions to all that, there’s the other party’s reactions, and then all of the reactions to the reactions. Some part of you may wish for things to be different, and that gets to exist, and also things are as they are, and that exists too. Try to name everything exactly as it is, giving space for each reaction separately, until “I made a mistake” is as neutral as “the sky is blue”. Not because you don’t care that you made a mistake, but because an additional true sentence is, “I’m full of regret and fear because of my mistake.”
Curiosity. Now that you’ve got your building blocks of what happened, can you look at those things, which simply are, and notice what's interesting about them? Why do you react the way you do? What happened in the lead up to your actions and in the follow-up? Does it remind you of anything else that's happened before? What kind of creature would have taken those actions, what kind of state must you have been in or what beliefs were you running, such that this was the output? This is the equivalent of tilling the soil, mixing in all the dead leaves with the fresh earth, and allowing yourself to begin composting the lessons.
Intention. What do you wish for yourself? How would you have liked to respond, what kind of concrete actions could have had it go differently? How can you ensure that happens next time? What are your needs and those of the others involved? And what values under this are at play? This is the step of being deliberate, connecting your actions with your insight, so that as you move forward in the future, things play out differently.
Connection. Everything up til now has been solo, internally focused. But your mistake didn’t happen in isolation. It happened in contact with something in the outside world. Hopefully by this point, you have more space and resources. Check with yourself for what feels right to do here. Some actions might be: apologizing, communicating the update you’ve made, asking how the other person is, asking what they need, and asking how you can be in service here.
Good luck, and take care, dear reader.
